


slushies and fake relationships

by your_bubblegum_friend (orphan_account)



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Squips (Be More Chill), Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Michael Mell, Multi, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Pining Jeremy Heere, bc i have no self control, no beta we die like men, theres some tree bros in here too, where do I even start, y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27601610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/your_bubblegum_friend
Summary: Michael is just trying to live his life. When he ACCIDENTALLY tells his moms hes dating Jeremy, things get interesting.Jeremy has a crush on his best friend, Michael. And then. Things happen.--------------Do things go uphill or downhill? Read to find out ;)(read the tags pls)
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Comments: 11
Kudos: 55





	1. just another nORmAL day (michael)

“Watch it, Headphones!” Rich says as he pushes past me. 

“I didn’t even do anything..” I mumble and look away. 

“What’s that?” He asks and reaches into his backpack. 

“Nothing!” He turns me around swiftly and writes something on my backpack before I can do anything. 

“You erase that, you’re dead!” He yells as he runs off. 

What a great start to my day. I move to the side of the hall and take off my backpack to see what he wrote. ‘riends’. What does riends mean? The minute bell rings and I rush to my first class. 

Classes go fine for the most part, besides suffering the casual “loser!” Here, and there ( _Heere_ and there?). Soon enough it’s break, which is right before lunch. Today, I decided to run to seven eleven to get a cherry slushie (and a blue raspberry one for Jeremy) and some sushi. 

I walked into the cafeteria building and instantly saw my best friend (and crush of four years but we won't talk about that), Jeremy Heere. 

“Michael!” He yells with a smile when he sees me. 

“Hey, Jer-bear!” I say, as I make my way across the cafeteria to him. He hasn’t sat down yet, but as I sit at our table I notice he looks kinda pissed off. “Blue ras for my dearest friend.” I hand him his slushie and he takes a sip, after mumbling a thank you. “How was class? You look like ass, what’s wrong?”

He rolls his eyes and turns around so I can see his backpack.”Christine isn’t here today.” Christine is our only other friend. For a long time it was just Jeremy and me but we met Christine this year and she just started showing up at our lunch table. We have one class altogether as well. “Boyf? What does that even mean?” He asks. I gasp a bit when it clicks. “What?”

I take off my backpack and show it to him before putting them right next to each other so the words align. I laugh and quickly take my phone out and snap a picture, to which Jeremy didn’t notice. 

“Boyf-riends? Really? I hate this school.” He grumbles. 

“Aww come on Jer-Bear! You know you love me!” I tease, ignoring the blush in Jeremy’s cheeks. And fighting the one in mine.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” He mumbles and steals a roll of sushi from me. I roll my eyes. 

“Wanna hang out tonight? We can finally beat level 9.” I suggest. 

“Yea, I wanna hang out but can we do something besides video games? I mean I want to pass the level, but we always play video games. Let’s do something else. Like go out or something.” He says. 

I take a sip of my slushie. “Sure. What do you wanna do?” I ask, downing another roll of sushi. 

“We could... get stoned at the park?” He lays his head down on the table. “Or something. I don’t know.” 

“Yeah, let’s get stoned at the park” I say, taking his slushie and taking a sip. He sits up and takes mine. What? We’ve been best friends for twelve years. I think we’re allowed to share straws.

“Wait really? We don’t have to, it was just a suggestion.” He says before taking a sip of my slushie. 

“No I want to. Since it’s Friday though, let’s go at night so there won’t be a bunch of kids.” He always doubts himself. It makes me sad. “Wanna sleep over?” 

“Sure,” he lays his head back on the table and we sit in a comfortable silence for a while. Suddenly his head pops up. “OH MY GOD.” He yells 

“What?!” I say, looking around to see if anyone’s looking at us. Luckily, no one seems to care enough to look.

“I think my dad has a girlfriend!”

“What? Why?” I've known Mr. Heere for as long as me and Jeremy have been friends, twelve years, and after Jere’s parents got divorced when we were in 7th grade, I heard him crying one night I was sleeping over. crying. A grown man, crying. A grown man who I had always known to be extremely tough, crying. 

“Okay so it’s not one big thing it’s just a shit ton of little things. For one, once when I told him I was leaving to spend the night with you, he was like ‘okay! Yea, that’s good. When are you coming home tomorrow?’ Like that’s a bit sus.” He rants. I frown and hum and take a sip of a slushie, I'm not too sure who’s. 

“And he pushed back my curfew by like 3 hours. Just out of nowhere. Like it used to be ten and now it’s one. Is that not weird? And he's been keeping our house clean. Like I've caught him starting to clean when I leave. It’s just too sus to ignore, ya know?”

“Yea, maybe he’s finally over your mom.” I say. He sort of zoned out. 

“Maybe.” The warning bell rings (ten minutes till 5th) and we get up. Jeremy and I have a free period 5th period but they make you get out of the cafeteria after the 5th bell rings. Jeremy takes all the trash and throws it away quickly before speaking. 

“Wanna go to the freshman bathroom? Hang there until 6th?” He asks.

“Sure.” I throw my backpack on and try to hide a blush when Jeremy takes my hand to lead me to the freshman hall.

I feel like I’m pretty obvious with my _huge_ crush on Jeremy. But he never notices how it makes me feel when he blushes. Or how my heart flutters at the casual intimacy we share. Like holding hands, cuddling, etc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 11|17|20


	2. they hang in a bathroom. so thats fun. (michael)

No one ever comes to this bathroom anymore because the freshmen had just gotten new ones when we were freshman. During our freshman and sophomore years, we skipped class, ate, smoked weed (Just a few times. I know how much trouble we could get into for smoking at school) and spent our free periods there. 

Most of the time, when some now-seniors ran into us there, Evan and Connor, we would eat with them. They’re pretty chill. Once Evan helped with some algebra homework, which was nice. And there was that one time that Connor gave me a ride home after we had gotten detention together. I'm pretty sure they only sat in the bathroom when the cafeteria was too much. Which was kind of often. Jeremy and I still don't know what's the deal with those two, like, are they dating? (Jeremy and I may or may not ship them, like, _OTP_ status ship them) Are they friends? family friends? We never really figured it out. Sometimes Connor would scare some kids, like Richard Dustin, for us since he's a grade above all of us. And because of his reputation of 'school shooter' even though he's always seemed like a closeted softy to me. He was always really nice with us and Evan.

As soon as Jeremy finally pulled me into the bathroom we see Evan. Asleep. In Connors arms. Has our ship finally sailed?

"Hey guys." Connor says. He looks like he's close to passing out, his voice is Gravely and quiet and he's struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Hey Connor." Jeremy says. We meet eyes for a moment. He gives me a look that says 'Are you seeing this right now?' I shoot him back one that says 'oh my god look!" We silently smile before sitting against the wall parallel to the wall Connor and Evan are on. 

"So." Jeremy starts. He's using his I'm digging for information voice. "I've waited long enough. And I'm tired of waiting. What the hell is this?" My eyes widen a bit. I wasn't expecting Jeremy to just ask Connor. 

"Um. I don't. I don't know." probably seems a bit surprised at Jeremy's question. 

"Dude come on. Jeremy and I have been shipping you guys for almost 3 years. Throw us a bone." I find myself saying.

He flushes pink. "You guys ship us?" he looks so confused. "We ship you!"

What. What?

"Huh? Me and Jeremy?" 

"Yeah! I mean look at you guys right now." he does have a point. Jeremy's laying his head on my shoulder and seemingly subconsciously playing with my fingers. It's not abnormal, we've always been touchy, we're best friends, and even if do want us to be more, I know Jeremy doesn’t like me like that.

Jeremy immediately sits up and puts his hands in his lap.

"But no. No. Me and Michael aren't together. We're best friends!" Jeremy defends. That makes me sad. But I ignore it. 

"Okay let's just change the topic. What's up? We haven't seen you in awhile." Connor says.

"Oh. Uh nothing really. We've been eating lunch at the cafeteria since we met Christine." I explain.

"Oh. Okay."Connor says. He opens his mouth to say more but shuts it and Evan stirs next to him. On him? He's pretty much laying on him at this point.

"Connor?" Evan says. Connor smiles and glances at me and Jeremy, causing Evan to look at us. "Jeremy? Jeremy! Michael!" he sits up and blushes. "hi guys!"

"Hey Evan." Jeremy and I say unison. Evans' blush doesn't go away as the bell rings.

"Bruh." I hear Connor mumble. He stands up and holds his hand out to Evan, who takes it and doesn't let go once he's up. 

"Well. we'll see you guys later" Evan says.

"Yeah. Bye guys." Evan and Connor leave hand-in-hand and as soon as we're sure they're out of earshot, Jeremy and I go crazy.

We meet eyes and then start laughing and squealing in overall fangirling.

"oh my God! Oh my God. Michael. Michael!" Jeremy grabs me by my shoulders. Shakes me up a bit. I stop smiling and put on a straight face.

"Jer! Our ship. Is sailing." I say. He gets an incredible smile on his face. 

"Ahhh! I've been waiting for this for so long!" Jeremy says. And honestly? I can't help myself. He's just so freaking adorable. I pull him into a hug, wrapping my arms around his waist. He hesitates, only for a second, that hugs me back. I swing us around for a bit before putting him down.

When I put Jeremy down, we don't really move for a moment. We lock eyes and have a sort of a moment. I notice Jeremy's blush before he let go of me. I probably just imagined that, right? He clears his throat before talking.

"So. Do you think they'll get together soon?"he asks.

"I hope so."

We go along with the rest of our day, agreed to meet at my house after school, before we go to the park. I normally drive Jeremy home but today we made an exception since he's just coming over later anyways. On my way home I stop at my dealers place and pick up some. Supplies.

Jeremy is set to come after dinner so I have to undergo my mothers' usual questions. 

"Tell us, Mahal, are you seeing anyone yet?" Nanay asks. I roll my eyes, like I do every time one of my mother's asks.

This time, I make the mistake of not answering the questions.

"yeah, Michael. I'm sure you like someone." Mama says.

They continued rambling about how it would be nice for me to have a significant other, throwing in the names. I put my Fork down and look between them. I know how this goes. If I say no they'll set me up with one of their friends' kids. If I say yes. They might get off my back.

Eventually, their griping gets too much. And I make a decision. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 
> 
> 11|20|20


	3. michael did a bad. or maybe it was a good? (michael)

"Yes!" Oops. "I'm dating..." I pause when someone knocks at our front door. Jeremy. "Jeremy."I accidentally say out loud. My eyes widen. I didn't mean to say it! 

Oh no. Oh no! Oh god. What. Have. I. Done.

Their shock is clear. They definitely didn't expect me to say that. I didn't expect me to say that.

Jeremy knocks on the door again. I stand up quickly to go open it.

We have a split level house, where the front door is at the staircase and you can decide to go upstairs, where the living room, kitchen, and my mother's bedroom are, or downstairs, to the family room, my room and the basement.

I go down the stairs and open the door. Jeremy is smiling, which absolutely melts my heart, and I know I've messed up. Bad. Really bad.

"Jeremy!" Nanay says. 

"We're going to go downstairs now!" I say louder than I need to.

"Oh. Well we're glad you guys are dating." Mama says.

I freeze. My eyes widen and Jeremy's smile completely drops.

I give Jeremy my best 'please play along!' look. Him, being my friend for almost twelve years knowing my faces, plays along. 

"Uh, thanks?" He says.

I take his hand and basically drag him to the basement. Once we’re both and I shut the door.

"Um. What the hell was that about, Michael?" he asks. 

Oh God how do I explain this?

"Well you see, my moms' kept bugging me about dating someone and they just wouldn't stop so I yelled 'yes I'm dating someone!' that then you knocked on the door and I just said your name. It was an accident I swear, Jer. That rhymes um. I'm really sorry. I'll go tell them we aren't dating." I sort of spill. It just blows out of me.

"Wait, Michael." Jeremy grabs my wrist.

"What?"

"I um. Hold on let me wrap my head around this. You told your mom that we’re dating, in an _accidental_ whirlwind." He looks down what he's thinking." Um, I have an idea. But if you don't want to it's totally fine."

"Well. What is it?" I say. He lets out a breath and let's go of my wrist.

"We could. Fake date?" he closes his eyes and scratches his face, like he's waiting for me to say, "Ew no!" 

But I don't. 

"You... You would do that?" I say instead.

"Um yeah dude. It's a win-win. Your mom's will get off your back and my dad will be happy I've got a boyfriend. And we don't like each other like that so it doesn't have to mess up our friendship or anything." he blushes.

This could work. When he says "and we don't like each other like that so it doesn't have to ruin our friendship" it causes my chest to fall a bit, destroying any bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, Jeremy likes me back. It might be a little awkward, but not as much as it couldn't be since we're already pretty touchy. We might have kissed once we were both high, but that also may have been a dream. (and I definitely wasn't about to ask him about it. What if I what if it never actually happened and I just asked him about some weird dream I had about him?) 

And it's not like I don't want this. Of course I want to hold and kiss Jeremy. But even I know this can't end well. 

But. I don't care. For once in my life, I decide to go with my gut. The pros outweigh the cons. I make a decision.

"Okay. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's pretend to date."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3
> 
> 11|22|20


	4. someone show these boys whats right in front of them (jeremy)

Okay. So here's the thing. I’m definitely in love with Michael. Have since that one night in freshman year when Michael told me I was his favorite person. That's right. Jeremy Heere is totally head over heels for Michael Mell.

So that's why I suggested that Michael and I fake date. It's stupid, I know. But. I would love to hold his hand and hug him and stuff it without it being awkward. This is probably a very bad idea, I'll probably get hurt in the end, but. Who cares?

I'm honestly a little surprised that Michael agreed.

"Yeah ?" I ask.

"sure. Why not? Like you said. Win-win" 

"Okay, boyfriend, which probably make rules, huh?"

"Yep." We sit on the couch and Michael's basement and he takes out a notepad and pen from somewhere.

"Okay. First things first. What are you okay with doing? Like. Hand-holding. Kissing.  
That sorta stuff." he says.

I feel my cheeks burn. It's honestly embarrassing that I blush so easily. Well actually, Michael's the only one I blush around. So maybe it's just embarrassing that Michael makes me blush so easily.

"well, are we going to be public at school?" I ask.

"I think we should. Maybe people will stop with the boyf-riends stuff. Since it would have no effect anymore." 

"Okay yeah. That I'm fine with whatever. Hand holding. Kissing. That's fine." I feel like the way I'm talking makes me seem more chill and I actually am. A thought occurs to me. "Oh my god. We're going to Connor and Evans minds."  
Michael laughs. I love it when he laughs.

"Well. We can sail their shift for them. Since they're sailing ours." he mumbles the last part and I smile.

“Okay. I think rule number one is that we can back out anytime. That's only fair." he says. I nod my head.

"And rule number two is... PDA is allowed, but.. Oh! We have a code word in case we don't want to be touching stuff." That makes sense.

"Yeah, that sounds good. Our code word... Like some kind of pet name? So that if we say it in front of people they don't question it." I say.

"Yeah. How about Darling? But we can still call each other babe and stuff. Just leaving darling for if we don't feel particularly touchy. "

"Sounds good to me. We should try to practice other pet names so I just roll off our tongues." I say am I being too obvious? Maybe.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. um. Babe." he looks like he's trying not to laugh so I put it out of his misery and giggle. He lets go and laughs a bit too.

"Sorry! It just sounded weird coming out of your mouth." I try to get myself together. 

"Okay. Rule number three. We should have a weekly date night where we actually just go get food or whatever."

"Yep. Rule number four, we can't tell anyone. Oh my god. You think Christine will see right through us?" he asks.

"Maybe. She already ships us so maybe she won't. If she guesses will tell her the truth, but if she doesn't then we won't. Sound good?" I took a piece of hair behind my ear. Then untuck it because I'm scared my ears will poke out.

"Okay. So I think that's all our rules. We can add more if we think of any." he puts the rules in his backpack and sits back next to me.

"Um, babe, do you want anything to eat?" he says. I blush (as expected) at the name but shake my head.

"When do you want to leave the park?" I asked. I'm honestly surprised that Michael agreed to go to the park. I felt kind of stupid after I sent it.

"We can leave now if you want. I visited Jack earlier so we're all set," he says. Jack is Michael's dealer. So that’ll be fun.

"Okay yeah let's go," Michael says. While he grabs his stuff, I take my journal out of my backpack. I’ve been writing down my feelings about Michael in journals since I first realized my crush on him. I quickly write down the events that have just transpired and throw it back in my bag. Michael comes back and I go to the bathroom.

I come back out and see Michael staring into space.

“Ready?” I ask, startling Michael.

“Yep,” he says and starts walking towards the door.

"Here. Take my hand," he says, I blush, again and do as I'm told.

We make it to the door before we are stopped.

"Mahal? Where are you guys going?" Michael's mom, Jennifer says. Michael calls her Nanay.

"The park. See you guys! " Michael and I rush out the door before she can say bye.

Even though they can't see us anymore, he doesn't let go of my hand. I blush at the thought. Don't get your hopes up, Jeremy, Michael doesn't like you that way.

Michael pulled me into his car, turning on whatever old 90s song he like this week, I try not to act too awkward. But this whole situation is pretty awkward.

"Okay, we're here. "Michael says. I look around and I noticed that we've gotten farther than I thought. I must have been deep in thought, though my thoughts don't seem to keep enough to actually take that much time. 

Michael and I get out of his car and make our way to the slides. At our Park (we call it our hours because we've never actually seen anyone else here) there's one of those sides that looks like a castle, and at the top is pretty big so Michael and I sit in there.

After a few hits were properly stoned.

Michael has a very nice face. It's very pleasing to look at. So I tell him.

"You are very pretty. I like looking at you.." I say.

"Thanks, Jer." he laughs.

I'm lean against him and play with his fingers. it's just something I do.

I'll admit it, hang out with Michael when I know who never liked me the way I like him really hurts. It's not his fault, honestly, Michael is great. Is really nice and funny and smart. He is really fluffy hair and very pretty eyes.

I realize that I've been looking at Michael for too long. I blush and he just pulls me closer to him. I love hugging Michael. 

"I like hugging you," I mumble.

“I like hugging you.” He hugs me tighter and I bury my face in his neck.

I feel myself becoming painfully sad. I always do this. I always give myself hope. I know that Michael doesn't love me, I _know_ that. I know this whole big dating thing is going to end badly. But I'm too stupid to care. Because. I still love him. Oh God, how could I not? He's basically perfect. And even the bits of him that aren't perfect, they still somehow are? It doesn't make any sense, but there's absolutely nothing about Michael that I don't love. Well, maybe I don't love that he doesn't love me back. I know that he'd be super cool with me being in love with him, that's just the person he is. I've contemplated telling him so many times, but I know that he’d just be like "I don't like you like that, but I still want to be your friend." and I don't think I could do that. Because Michael knowing I love him and him not loving me back would hurt way more than me just hiding my feelings and burying them. I do wish he loved me though. Because it's really hard to just _be_ when the person you love doesn't love you the same way. I love Michael with everything inside me. And it really sucks that he doesn't love me.

"Jeremy? What's wrong?" Michael startled me out of my thoughts.

"Nothing." I just want to grab his face and kiss him and tell him that I love him. But that's crazy. Not even high-me is stupid enough for that.

"You're crying. What's wrong?" I am? I wipe at my face realizing that, yes, I am indeed crying.

"I don't know," I whisper. Well, that's not true. I do know. But I'm not going to tell that to Michael.

"Do you want to go?"

"Yeah." 

"Okay." he stands up and holds his hand out for me. I take it, filling the longing of my hand in his.

We walk back to Michael's car. I can tell things are kind of like how they were, before everything, but it still feels different.

The drive back to Michael's house is fine. We don't really talk. We just listen to music and hold hands. Which, I love doing, by the way, I love just casually holding Michael's hand.

We get back to Michael's house in the head inside.

"Dude–I mean. Babe. What time is it? "I asked when we see that all the lights are off.

"Uhh, 9:47. My arms are probably watching TV in their room. "he takes my hand and guides me down the stairs.

"I'm kind of tired. Can we just go to sleep instead of staying and playing video games?” I'm honestly kind of relieved because there was no way I was going to stay awake long enough to play any game efficiently.

"Yes, please. I'm about to fall asleep." I rub my eye for Aesthetics. Wow, aren’t I just so cute.

"Yes, You are too cute," Michael says as we enter his room.

"Bruh did I just say that out loud." At this point, I really need to go to sleep. I'm too tired to blush.

I sit on my side of Michael's bed. In our 12-year friendship, I've learned that Michael likes the left side, while I like the right side. And Michael has a huge bed which is cool.

Michael tosses some clothes at me before leaving the room, probably to go to the bathroom. I change quickly and sit back down. I pick up my phone, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram.

Michael comes back in and turns off the light. We lay down. It feels weird to be so close to each other. But it also doesn't.

"Ugh. Can we just be normal? "he says.

"What do you mean? " I question. 

"Jer, when was the last time I didn't snuggle you until you fell asleep," he says more like a statement than a question.

"Um, I don't know?"

"Exactly. Now climb into my arms and let me hold you," he says, holding out his arms. Okay. Wow. This boy really knows how to make me blush.

I sigh and scoot closer to him. I swear Michael will be the death of me. I obey and (happily) climb into his arms. It might sound weird, but I like being held around my upper waist. I don't know. He probably knows this, and he holds my waist in the right way and brings me closer to him, making me melt. I bury my head in his chest and lazily throw my arm around him. As, I close my eyes, the only thought going through my head is, ’Wow, I really love Michael’.

I try to go to sleep, I really do, but even being extremely tired I can't make myself fall asleep. After 27 minutes (according to the clock hanging off Michael's wall) I give up going to sleep. I just lay there, and Michael's arms, him gently tracing circles up and down my right arm.

I feel Michael lightly press a kiss to the top of my head. My eyes widen. He must think I'm asleep, right? Well, Why would he do that if I wasn't asleep? Why would he do that if I was asleep? Why would he do that?

I nuzzle closer to him and he freezes. Completely stops moving. I can't even feel the soft and steady rise and fall of his chest. I frown and look up at him. His eyes are wide and even in the darkness, I can see he's blushing.

"What's wrong?" I whisper.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were asleep," he says.

I lay my head back on his chest and close my eyes. 

"What are you sorry for?"

"Um kissing your head." I blush a bit. I really thought he was going to deny it.

"Don't be sorry about that. Do it again." Wow, who's this bold me?

And he does. He kisses me on the head, making me melt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <33
> 
> 12|1|20


	5. oh wOw they finally got it! (michael)

Jeremy and I came up with rules for our fake relationship. And we decided to leave for the park.

I come into my room and Jeremy makes some excuse about going to the bathroom. 

I get my weed and out of I see a white book peeking out of Jeremy's backpack. You might be thinking "Michael nooo bad idea you're better than that!" but I’m not perfect and I also I’m very curious. 

I take the book out. It’s a journal? Jeremy’s journal? I open it. The first page is dated from when we were in 8th grade. I flip through the pages and find the latest entry, dated from today. I look around before reading the entry.

_Today is certainly a day to write about. A lot happened so I’ll just write what I know.  
1\. Michael told his moms that we’re dating.  
2\. I suggested we fake date (like an idiot).  
3\. To which he agreed.  
4\. This is going to end badly.  
5\. Due to me being in love with him.  
6\. And him not loving me.  
I know I’ve written about this a lot, but I really wish Michael loved me. That’s it for now. _

When I finish reading I let out a breath. 

Jeremy likes me?

Jeremy likes me.

He loves me?

And he thinks I don’t love him? What the heck is happening?

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Jeremy- Oh my god. This isn’t real. Is it?

I flip back the pages. An entry from the October of our freshman year. 

_Michael is making it very difficult to shove down my newfound crush on him. I don’t want to have this crush on him, because like it could ruin our friendship and stuff, but he’s just so perfect I can’t not have a crush on him. Oh my god yesterday he took off his glasses and I swear I almost passed out like? How is he so fricken cute?? Anyways, Michael thinks I still have on Christine, but really? I just had my whole bisexual awakening a few months ago. And it wasn’t because I was staring longingly at Christine. No it was because Michael saved me from a guy trying to throw random stuff at me. It was because he brought me down an anxiety attack when he was near one too. God I am so gone for Michael. And I don’t know If I want to be. Because he doesn’t like me back and me liking him could ruin our friendship. And there’s nothing that could ever want that. Even if we got in a huge fight or something- which we never have- I would still want to be his friend._

I put the journal back and step away from it a bit. I stare at the floor. 

“Ready?” I look towards the door, seeing a perfect looking Jeremy.

“Yep.” I say after a moment. I’d say over the past hour I’ve made enough new decisions than I have ever made in my life. But. Keeping it up, I say,

“Here. Take my hand.” I say. Jeremy blushes and takes my hand. We try to exit the house, being stopped by my Nanay.

I don’t let go of Jeremy’s hand when we get outside. I do let go when we get in the car though. I don’t let it get to me that all I have to do is just admit my feelings. And he’ll… I don’t actually know what he’d do. I can imagine him screaming or crying or anything really.

We get to the park and head towards the slide. It’s one of those kinds where there’s space up top for kids to play in. So naturally it’s where we go to smoke weed.

We sit down and I hand him a blunt and the lighter. Cut to a few moments later, Jeremy’s properly stoned. I don’t get really stoned easily, but it takes off a little edge. 

“You are very pretty. I like looking at your face.” Jeremy says after a moment. 

“Thanks Jer.” I laugh. 

He leans against me and takes my hands. Jeremy likes to play with my fingers.

I catch him staring but I just put my arm and pull him closer.

“I like hugging you.” he whispers.

“I know, Jer. You tell me all the time.” I say and he buries his face in my neck. 

I notice after a while a small sniffling. I look down at Jeremy and see that he’s crying.

“Jeremy? What’s wrong?” I say.

“Nothing.” he says but in his ‘I’m hiding something’ voice. 

“You’re crying. What’s wrong?” he wipes his face.

“I don’t know.” he whispers. Well that’s not true. He knows. But he’s not gonna tell me.

“Do you wanna go?”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” I stand up and hold my hand out for him. He takes it. 

The drive back to my house is fine. We don’t really talk. We just listen to music and hold hands. 

We get back to my house and head inside.

“Dude- I mean. Babe. What time is it?” He asks when we see that all the lights are off. 

“Uhh 9:47. My moms are probably watching TV in their room.” I retake his hand and guide him down the stairs.

He looks like he’s about to pass out.

“I’m kinda tired. Can we just go to sleep instead of staying up all night playing video games?” I ask. 

“Yes please. I’m about to fall asleep.” He rubs his eye. “Wow aren’t I just too cute.” 

“Yes, you are too cute.” I say as we enter my room.

“Bruh did I say that out loud.”

We get ready for bed and such before I turn off the light and we lay down.

God it’s so awkward. I can’t take it anymore. 

“Ugh. Can we just be normal?” I say.

“What do you mean?” 

“Jer. When was the last time I didn’t snuggle with you until you fell asleep?” 

“Um I don’t know?” He turns his head to frown at me.

“Exactly. Now climb into my arms and let me hold you. I say, holding out my arms.

He sighs and scoots closer to me. He climbs into my arms. I hold him the way he likes to be held, with my arms around his upper waist and I bring him closer to me. He buries his head in my chest and puts his arm around me. 

After a while when I’m sure that Jeremy’s asleep, I get to thinking. What would happen if I told Jeremy my feelings for him? Should I? I have the feeling that if I don’t say anything Jeremy won’t either. But if I do tell time and we get together, what if we break up and I lose my best friend. I think about sleeping Jeremy in my arms.

I kiss Jeremy on his head.

And then he fricken moves. I stop moving. Like I completely freeze up. I think I forgot how to breathe.

“What’s wrong?” He says when he looks up at me, with a frown.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were asleep.” I rush out. 

He lays his head back on my chest.

“What are you sorry for?” he asks.

“Um kissing your head.” 

“Don’t be sorry for that. Do it again” Wow, who is this bold Jeremy?

And I do. I sit up a bit and basically assault him with kisses all over his face.

“Michael!” he giggles.

“What?” I say with a smile in between kisses. 

“Michael! I meant just one!” I stop and meet his eyes. His smile makes my heart melt.

“Jer, I really like you.” I blurt out. I blush right after I say it. 

Jeremy’s eyes widen. 

“What?” he makes his confused face.

“Um nothing forget I said that.” I lay back down. This time he sits up a bit.

“No, Michael do you mean it? Don’t play around if you don’t mean it.” he says.

“Jeremy I have been in love with you since we were in the seventh grade.” I say. 

He takes my face in his hands.

“Really?” he says breathily . 

“Yes and I know you love me too because I maybe sorta read your journal.” 

He blushed heavily.

“What did you read!” he whisper shouts.

“I read the one you wrote today and one from freshman year.” I answer.

“Oh my god hold on.” he gets up and gets his journal out of his bag. “Okay which entry did you read?” He hands me the journal and I flip to the relative area the freshman page was. I finally find the page and show him the the entry.

“I didn’t read all of it though. I stopped at the part where you said that even if we got in a huge fight you’d still wanna be my friend.”

“Oh thank god. Okay.” he put his journal back. “Can we actually talk now?” he asks.

“Yes come here.” I say. He lays back down and faces me.

“Okay first things first. Hi, I love you.” he says.

“I love you too.” he blushes and I smile.

“Okay two, can I kiss you?” he asks.

“Yes yes yes yes yes.” I say really fast. He smiles and takes my face in his face before pressing his lips to mine. We don’t really make out, but we share a very loving kiss.

We break apart and smile. 

“Wanna actually date?” He laughs.

“Yes Jer come here.” I say and he snuggles up to me. 

“Goodnight, love you, dork.” I say.

“Love you too. Night.” he says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! <333
> 
> 12|5|20


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